Finding Her Way Home
by BadWolfBabe
Summary: Terra has never felt like she belongs. After awakening from her stony grave, Terra begins a new life as Lillian, a typical high school teen. But an unexpected series of visits from Beast Boy has her wondering if this new life is really what she wants. Post Things Change. One-shot with potential to be full fic.


_ "Time's up."_

_ "Terra…"_

_ "Things change, Beast Boy. The girl you want me to be is just a memory."_

_ "Come with me."_

_ "You go. You're the Teen Titan. That's who you are. That's not me. I'm not a hero. I don't save the world. I'm just a girl with a geometry test next period and I haven't studied."_

"Lillian."

Terra stirred from the recent memory, and focused on the speaker, her geometry teacher, Ms. Kane. The last 40 minutes melted into her memory, and it quickly became clear to Terra that she hadn't lied when she told Beast Boy she didn't study. Only half of the test was filled out, and she was sure that would turn her solid C into a D.

"Is everything okay, sweetheart?" Ms. Kane asked kindly.

Even if she detested geometry, Ms. Kane was one of the most understanding teachers in the school. Terra had a hard time lying to her.

"I didn't get to finish," Terra said, and held up her test. "I'm sorry. I was a little distracted."

Ms. Kane was normally very stern about finishing tests and completing homework on time. But Terra's situation forced her to soften.

"Oh Lillian, you can finish it after school, okay?"

Terra smiled gratefully. She stood and gathered her things. "Thank you so much. I promise next time I'll be better prepared."

Her teacher nodded. "I'm sure. Now hurry off to next period!"

Terra placed the test on Ms. Kane's desk, emblazoned with the name Lillian, and left the empty classroom.

* * *

Her attention span in English class did not fare much better. For over a year, Terra had forged a new life as Lillian, who was an unremarkable orphan girl who lived in a home for troubled girls. Lillian was a junior, almost senior, at Muakami High School. She planned on attending Jump City Community College to figure out what she wanted to do with her life. Lillian had friends, "sisters" with whom she shared her home, and doting "parents" who made sure she was happy, healthy, and doing well.

Terra thought back to her conversation with Beast Boy, which happened over an hour ago now. He had been so desperate for her to be Terra again, to live that old life. And she had been tempted, but for her own safety and self-esteem, she declined. Repeatedly. Terra could now only think of the hurt in Beast Boy's eyes, and the familiar way her stomach tightened when he said her name. She couldn't be a Titan again, not after everything she did to them and to the city. But if Beast Boy was so willing to forgive her, then maybe…

* * *

She woke up just as suddenly as she had died. Terra gasped, filling her air with lungs. Her limbs shook, and stared at her hands. Pale, but moving, alive. She felt her head, and ripped the metal pieces from her head. She clutched at the neurological interface on her chest and yanked with all her might; to her surprise, it fell right off. Terra was left in bandages, a bra, and black shorts. Her first thought was to find Beast Boy; her second, that he might not want her.

Despite her doubt, Terra knew she had nowhere else she wanted to go, needed to be, more. She stood, her legs shaky but functional, and emerged from the cave. The sun was shining brightly—people were milling about the street, birds singing on trees. Life went on. Terra was glad to see the world as awake as she was. Her last good deed: she had saved the city, and here was the proof.

As she ambled weakly through the city, strangers shot her concerned and furtive glances. Some would ask to stop if she was alright, and Terra would force a smile and say she was okay. One insistent woman handed her a card for a home for troubled girls called Second Chances, and Terra stuck the card in her bra. When Terra reached the waterfront, she summoned a small boulder, and floated over to the tower.

Terra didn't let herself think much. But by the time she reached the base of the tower and pounded on the front door, her heart felt like it would explode.

She received no immediate reaction. After a few silent moments, she beat her fist against the door again. Nothing.

She spoke, her voice gravely, "Hello!"

No answer.

Maybe they were out on a mission. That had to explain it. Still, even though she knew that was the logical answer, Terra felt discouraged. Fate was not lining up in her favor.

She decided to go find some clothes, eat, and then come back later. Her first stop was at her old hiding place in Jump City, before she met the Titans, and after she'd met Slade. She'd used this spot to meet up with old her master while she was living with the Titans. Thankfully, she had forgotten an old backpack here. The bag was covered in dirt and dust, but the clothes inside were wearable. She also found an old wallet, which had a few dollars crumpled inside.

Next, she journeyed back into the heart of the city. She stopped by the pizza place the Titans loved, but they were not there. After checking a few more shops, she settled on Chinese for a meal. When she stomach was pleasantly full, she boxed the leftovers and flew back to the tower.

It was late, but the tower was dark. Terra's heart sank. She crumbled into the doorway, still holding onto a sliver of hope, and waited.

Terra continued this pattern for two weeks, which were long and arduous compared to the year-long death she endured. On the beginning of the third week, Terra knew she had to change. Clearly, the Titans weren't home. Perhaps they had disbanded after her death. Regardless, it was clear they weren't coming back. Terra was unsure what to do with herself. When she stood, she felt the card that woman had given her poking her breast. She pulled it out and noticed the name: Second Chances. That was a good place to start.

That is how Terra became Lillian. When the owner, a lovely old woman named Hilda, asked for her name, Terra thought of Lillian. She wasn't sure why, or where the name came from, but it was a solid identity. Terra blossomed as Lillian. It was nice to have a routine and responsibility. It was awesome to have other girls, who seemed just as broken as she did, to talk to. And even though most of the other girls hated it, Terra loved going to school. She was a decent student and a great athlete. It was almost fun being Lillian.

But Terra couldn't escape the guilt and sadness that came from living a double life. A few months after she became Lillian, she swore she saw Starfire flying in the sky. And when one of her girlfriends wanted to take a walk to the waterfront, Terra clearly saw the Tower lit up. Her heart ached, and she was frustrated that she had missed them. But she couldn't just stop being Lillian now. And chances were they didn't even know she was alive. Terra knew deep down that the situation was best this way. She could never repent for the horrible thing she did. The Titans would be happier, and better, without her.

* * *

Beast Boy's appearance was changing all of those feelings, though. Terra had spent a year telling herself that Lillian was the best possible solution. She could live a normal life, as a normal teen, and not worry about the destruction she caused. She could get a job, maybe fall in love, have kids, and die happily.

Terra was sure that Lillian was a nice enough person. But Lillian wasn't who she really was. And she couldn't, and wouldn't, go on pretending to be someone she wasn't.

The end of the school day couldn't come fast enough. After half-heartedly finishing the geometry test, Terra bolted to her locker and shoved all of her things into her backpack. Terra could feel her impulsive nature creeping back into her veins. She was going to go home, gather her things, and leave for the tower.

"Lil," one of her friends, Sarah, called after her. "Aren't you going to stay for practice?"

Terra groaned, stopping in her tracks. She'd forgotten Lillian had responsibilities too. And as much as she wanted to, she knew she couldn't just disappear without people wondering where she'd gone. Terra imagined the city being plastered in Missing posters. Terra was not missed, but Lillian would be.

The reality of that sentiment sunk into her stomach, and suddenly Terra was not so eager to leave. She hoisted her bulging bag over her shoulder, feigned a smile, and told Sarah, "Of course. Let's go."

* * *

After an hour long track practice, wherein Terra and her friends practiced the relays, Terra's impulse to leave had settled. And when Terra and Sarah went out for pizza and a movie at Sarah's house, Terra wondered why she would want to leave Lillian's life. Lillian, who was quiet, and fun, didn't have to worry about bad guys, saving the city, or whether or not the Titans trusted her. Lillian's life was much more low-key. And, Terra thought as she tucked herself into her bed, the soft snores of her bunkmates rising into the air, this wasn't such a bad thing.

Days melted into weeks of normalcy. Terra managed to pass her geometry test, and she had earned a personal record at a track meet. Despite all of the positive things happening in her life, Terra also felt weighed down by a sadness she couldn't shake. Pushing Beast Boy away was the right choice. He was holding onto the memory of her, not the real her. He clearly didn't like Lillian when he met her. He just wanted to relive the past. And Terra knew from her year of therapy in the home that wasn't healthy.

Terra and Sarah were walking home from school one day when they heard an explosion come from a few streets away. Terra's blood turned to ice and her heart skipped a beat. She pressed on for home, but Sarah was insistent.

"Come on; let's go see what's happening!" Sarah grabbed Terra's arm and began to drag her towards the scene.

"It's not safe!" Terra said, but her protests fell on deaf ears.

Dozens of people were running from the action, but Sarah and Terra danced through the crowd and found a ring of people watching. Sarah stood on her toes to see what was happening.

"A strange creature! It looks white. Oh!" she gasped. "He melted into the wall."

An enemy who melted into buildings? Terra couldn't recall facing a villain like that. Despite her hesitation, especially at being noticed by Beast Boy or any of the other Titans, she grabbed Sarah's hand and wormed through the crowd to the front.

The creature was stealth, but it was clear that Titans had faced it before. Raven magicked the wall the monster blended into, forcing it out. Robin jumped with the help of Starfire and beat the creature with his staff. The creature was tall, flexible and bright white. It was like a boneless chameleon.

The action was quick and sometimes hard to follow. The monster liked blending into spaces to trick the Titans. It would then attack from wherever it had moved to. Terra was hypnotized by the battle. She was surprised by how much she missed the thrill of the fight and the satisfaction of victory. She felt a sad nostalgia for battling with the Titans.

The fight was wearing down and the monster was clearly tired. Terra was happy to see the battle turn out so well, and had turned to Sarah to suggest they head home, when the creature decided on last one trick. It turned toward the audience and rushed it at a remarkable speed.

Terra heard Sarah scream next to her. She felt the patter of feet around her turn to dive or run away. Reflexively, Terra raised her arms and felt the earth rumble beneath her. A flat rock large enough to protect the group of onlookers rose from the ground. The monster ran straight into the stone, shattering it. Terra and Sarah fell to their feet, pebbles showering the street.

When the dust had settled, Terra sat up slowly. The creature was a few feet away, flat on its back, knocked out. It had hardly registered to her what she had done, when Sarah pointed an accusing finger at her.

"Lillian!" she gasped. "How did you—?"

Adrenaline rushed through Terra's veins. The crowd of onlookers had a mixture of reactions: some with surprise, some with horror, and some with nervous laughter and applause. Magic was nothing new to Jump City, but when a new person performed it, it was often shocking.

Terra didn't have an answer for Sarah, "I… I…" she stuttered.

Even though she didn't want to, Terra turned and look towards the Titans. Cyborg had apprehended the creature, which allowed the team to stare at Terra in disbelief. It felt like they were looking at a ghost. It was then that Terra could feel Lillian slipping away.

Terra stood, her legs shaking, and extended a hand to Sarah. Sarah accepted and got up to her feet, dusting the debris off of her skirt.

"We should go," Terra said quietly, hoping to ward off the inevitable questions from the Titans.

"But you—"

"Never mind," Terra insisted. She cast a glance back toward her old teammates, who were still watching her carefully, like she was a nervous animal bound to run. Terra couldn't read their expressions, which made her more anxious.

"Lillian," Sarah pleaded.

"Let's go," Terra said sharply. She grabbed her friend's hand and pulled her away from the scene.

* * *

But she couldn't escape. Just as they'd broken through the crowd, she heard a familiar voice.

"Terra!" Robin called.

Terra stormed on, hoping that he would get the hint. But, like her, Robin was stubborn.

"Terra!"

"Lillian," Sarah said, her voice scared. "You're hurting my hand."

Terra hadn't noticed that her grip had tightened. She let go of Sarah's hand, and told her friend, "Go ahead. I'll see you tomorrow."

Sarah was thankful to get away. She forced a smile and ran down the street, disappearing by the school.

Robin quickly caught up to Terra. He said, panting, "So it is you."

Terra thought of Lillian and almost lied. But she was tired of lying, and tired of running. Literally.

"Yeah."

"We didn't believe Beast Boy when he told us," Robin said. Terra's face went aflame at Beast Boy's name. "You really saved us back there."

"I didn't do anything," she said, embarrassed. The last thing she wanted was undeserved attention.

"You stopped a criminal. You helped us," Robin clarified. "You're a hero."

Terra was so frustrated she thought she might cry. "I'm not. I'm just… a normal girl."

"You belong with us," he said. Terra thought of Beast Boy.

"I can't," she said, her voice shaking. "I'm not that girl anymore."

Robin backed off. "You're welcome to the tower anytime. If you just want to visit or…"

"I can't," Terra interrupted, the same helplessness in her voice.

Robin and Terra stood across from each other, both silent. Terra didn't know why she had stopped to speak to him. She could feel anger and tears rising in her throat. She almost turned to run, when Robin stopped her.

"We forgave you, you know," he said.

Terra wasn't sure she could believe him, especially when she hadn't forgiven herself.

She couldn't help herself. "Even Raven?"

Robin smiled. "Even Raven."

Even if it wasn't true, Terra felt a little better. But then she remembered her homework, her friends, and her home. She panicked.

"I've gotta go," she said hastily, and ran away.

* * *

Terra couldn't sleep that night. She knew that she should do something productive with her time, but she couldn't bring herself to do her homework either.

Sarah had been waiting for her at her home. Sarah knew that she lived in a group home, and respected that Terra couldn't have company. So it was surprising to see her on her step.

"Why do they call you Terra?" she asked, her voice shaking. Clearly Sarah had rehearsed this confrontation in her mind, but her emotions were getting the best of her.

"I…" Terra couldn't think of a rational explanation. She copped out, resorting back to her reason for Beast Boy following her around. "They have me mistaken for someone else."

"You _moved_ the ground," Sarah said, ignoring her. "You… have powers."

"I didn't know I could do that," she lied.

Sarah's face turned pale, and she rounded on Terra. "Who are you?"

Terra hated fighting with Sarah. Sarah had been one of the only girls in their grade to befriend Terra, after it came out that Terra was an orphan who lived in a group home. Sarah was kind and caring and fun, which nicely softened Terra's emotional impulsivity.

Terra didn't want to lie, but telling the truth meant the end of Lillian—the end of this new, normal life. She felt completely helpless; no matter what she did, she was doomed. No matter which life she lived, trouble and loneliness always seemed to follow. Her rational brain kicked in: if she was going to lose Sarah as a friend, she might as well be honest.

"Okay," Terra said. "You can't tell."

Lillian and Sarah had plenty of secrets. This would be the first one from Terra.

Sarah crossed her arms, her face stone.

"My name is Terra," she admitted. Terra had anticipated some crushing sense of defeat at telling the truth, but instead, she felt relieved. "I was once a Teen Titan."

"How? Why? When?" Sarah rattled off the questions.

"It was a long time ago," Terra explained vaguely. "Things didn't work out. I wanted a new life."

"They acted like they hadn't seen you in years."

"It's probably been that long, yeah."

Terra had expected her friend to be mad. But she didn't anticipate the way Sarah's face crumpled.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she said desperately.

"It's not important," Terra insisted, but she knew she was lying. "I'm Lillian now. I've moved on."

Sarah shook her head. "I don't know, Lil… Terra… I need to think."

"Okay," Terra said, her voice soft. "You're still my friend."

Sarah smiled and then walked away. Terra hadn't been able to focus since. Terra thought Lillian was a safe persona. But Terra had managed to wriggle through the mask. And so the cycle continued: friends saw the real girl, and friends left.

Terra wondered if she wasn't setting herself up for defeat. The problem was that she didn't know who she wanted to be: Terra or Lillian. Lillian had a more promising, happy future. But Terra was natural and had so much potential.

The home computer didn't yield much of a solution to her problem either. Teens had to 18 to drop out of school in California, and Terra was barely 17. She knew for a fact that her home mother wouldn't sign any paperwork allowing her to drop out without a real explanation. But Terra wanted as few people to know the truth as possible.

So maybe she would finish the school year, and see how she felt then. There were only two weeks left in school, so it wouldn't be long. Over the summer she could "move" and be free of the responsibilities of Lillian.

But then she thought of Sarah, and her other school friends. Terra's hard heart softened. She thought she knew what she wanted to do, but doing it meant losing all of the things that made Lillian special.

* * *

Thankfully, Sarah didn't spill her secret. But the way that she avoided Terra in the hallways and in their shared classes clearly showed that she still needed space. Terra couldn't fault her for her actions: she had lied to her. Liars deserved to be punished. But walking home from school alone sure was lonely.

On the last week of school, the yearbooks were distributed. Terra's classmates spent their classes passing around their books and scribbling heartfelt notes to their best friends. Terra had gotten a yearbook—her second at Murakami—in hopes of collecting signatures from her friends. Her friends, though, had followed Sarah's suit and stayed away. Terra knew then, sitting alone in the back of the classroom, that she was making the right choice.

"Are you excited for summer, Lillian?" Ms. Kane asked her. The teacher always had her eye on Terra, especially when she wasn't expecting it.

"I'm moving," Terra said abruptly.

Ms. Kane's smile faded. "Where to?"

Terra hadn't thought this far ahead. "Uh, closer to L.A."

"Who with?"

"My brother." The words tumbled out of her. Terra was a gifted liar. "He just got married, and got his own place, and invited me to stay with him."

The story wasn't convincing, but Ms. Kane didn't pursue it.

"Can I sign your yearbook?"

Terra nodded, and handed her the book. Ms. Kane pulled out a felt-tipped pen and wrote a quick message before pushing the book back.

"Better let it dry," she advised. Ms. Kane placed her hand on Terra's shoulder. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

Terra nodded, her emotions balling up in her throat. When Ms. Kane walked back to her desk, Terra spied the message: "Be well. Do good."

* * *

With school winding down, Terra was anxious to say goodbye to only one person: Sarah. The rumor that Lillian was moving had spread around the school, as Terra had hoped, but her old friend hadn't come to verify whether or not they were true. Terra was about to leave the halls of her school for the last time, her heart swelling with nostalgia and anxiety, when she saw her friend's dark curly head emerge from the masses.

"Lillian, wait!" she cried. Terra stood instinctively. When Sarah approached, she asked, frantic, "You're not moving, are you?"

Terra smiled sheepishly. Thankfully, Sarah got the message. Instead of replying, she wrapped Terra in a bone-crushing hug.

"Sarah!" Terra gasped.

"You were the best friend I ever had," Sarah said sadly.

Terra's heart skipped a beat at the familiar line. When they pulled apart, Terra cupped her friend's face and said, "I won't be far. I'll write you."

"You'll be happier, for sure," Sarah said, "but don't forget about me."

"I won't."

The two friends stood on the simmering remains of their friendship, unsure of what to say next.

"Well," Sarah stepped back. "I'll see you around, Lillian."

Terra smiled. "See you."

* * *

Terra had one more person to get past before she resumed—restarted—her life as a Titan. Her house mother, Dawn, was very protective, and had taken Terra in when she had nowhere else to live. Lillian's back story was that she was a teen runaway escaping an abusive father and a drunk, passive mother. Lillian needed to live there for her safety. Most girls at the home stayed for a few days, some a few weeks, even fewer a few months, but Terra had stayed for over a year. Saying goodbye was going to be tough.

Terra found Dawn filling out paperwork in the front room, which also acted as a living room during the evenings. Terra had managed to pack all of her clothes into a large duffel bag. Even though she had a steady home, she didn't like to collect stuff. Dawn noticed the bag, and spoke before Terra could think of what to say.

"You're leaving?" she said, hardly looking up from her paperwork.

"Yeah," Terra's voice shook, "My brother got married… said I could live with him."

Terra—or Lillian—had never mentioned a sibling before. She hoped Dawn would buy her story.

"That's nice of him," she said dismissively. "How are you getting to him?"

"Bus."

"Do you have the money?"

"Yes."

"Have a safe trip."

Terra surprised herself by feeling sad that Dawn didn't get emotional about her leaving, or even want to say a proper goodbye. She knew that she wouldn't be far from Dawn, or from her life as Lillian, but it felt like starting over and becoming a new person. Except in this case, she was becoming her real self.

"Okay," Terra said with finality, "I'm going."

Dawn dropped her pen on her desk and smiled sadly at Terra. "Good luck, Lillian. If you need anything, you know who to call."

Terra headed to the door, but then stopped last minute. She couldn't help herself.

"Actually, my name's Terra."


End file.
